even when you’re so sad
a smile feels like climbing a mountain
on a stormy day
when the winds are so strong
your face becomes ice
and your arms flap wildly about
unable to tether you
for the sake of tomorrow
when the sun will surely shine again
when the rain retreats
so that you are stronger
when it returns again
I can recall every curve
of every body I have lived in
every wave of emotion
the high and low tides
conjured by my eyes
and I wonder about the days
wasted in front of mirrors
the hours given to a voice
that was never mine to begin with
Nothing can relinquish my infinite fire
that some might often mistake for snow
It is amazing how the seasons change
when you give up feeling burdened by the rain
when you let the sky spill its wrath upon your face
and embrace the rage like a friend who went away
when the steam from your skin
speaks the fire of your bones
singing long forgotten volumes
in seasonal tones
I ponder whether to shower
as if the water could wash me away
I ponder whether to leave
but know that I must stay
I don’t want to spend money
I want to spend time with you
playing games like they use to
in those movies
from the eighties
when a song and a hairstyle fixed everything
I want to drink wine and talk about the wind
how it feels against your face
I don’t want to spend money
I want to spend my life looking
around at all the places
on all the smiles that we made
There is a bravery that comes from being able to look at yourself in the mirror and see what the world has done to you and you, in turn, to the world. Too often people spend time pretending they’re perfect. They lie to their mirrors and tell their eyes that they’re ok. Eyes are the biggest liars in the world. They see only what they think you want to see but they do not show you what must be witnessed.
Witness the homeless man on the street corner without drugs you presume he takes.
Witness the children, starving on television screens and don’t convince yourself they’re actors in some Oscar winning scene.
Witness the lie of those whose mouths curve upwards, when you make a joke at their expense.
Remember that pain is not often witnessed, by indicators you have grown up to believe.
If you have nothing at all then you have nothing to lose.
This is the flawed philosophy I carry around like a tonne of bricks tied to my back. I don’t believe I willingly choose this state of thinking. Sometimes thoughts simply become you – a result of all your experiences.
Are we not the total sum of everything that made us? (or unmade us?)
I saw a picture last night of a young boy. His skin was practically touching bone and his eyes were deep black pools. It was as if no soul existed behind his face. Like it had been sucked away by circumstance.
We are all born into different circumstances.
I was born into a circumstance where food was given to me as comfort, and eyes were given to make me uncomfortable.
He was born into a circumstance where food was rarely given, and I’m sure that is more uncomfortable than the unhappiness I feel when I look into the mirror.
I think about food and what it’ll do to my hips.
For a long time I never truly considered the millions of souls dragging their hips along the dirt, gasping for breath.
I wonder about the tears they would shed if shown my local grocery store. I also wonder about the reflections I stop to stare at in every mirror of every store. How I examine every curve, every line, every fold.
And lastly, I think about how I never stop to consider, the beauty of a nourished soul.
White chocolate mocha,
cold shortbread with cream
and a brand new notebook
scribbling by the sea
When you feel like you want to be cruel be kind. Trust me. You’ll end your day with a smile on your face instead of a “victim’s” frown.